A Self-Analysis

I have described myself on the “About” page of my Blog, but I want to add a little more depth regarding my personality and thinking processes. There are multiple sides to my personality; the serious side, the loving side, and the snarktankerous side. Yes, I believe “snarktankerous is the “perfect” word to describe that way in which I present my frustrations or opinions about others, the world, governments, politics, and many other things. If you have read several of my other blog posts, you already know what I am talking about! The more spiritual posts, however showcase my more serious side, and also some of the loving, compassionate side of my character.

On one hand:

I am a cranky and cantankerous (snarktankerous), sarcastic, cynical, skeptical, stubborn, ornery, grouchy, grumpy, old bear growling in pain and anguish, disappointment, disillusionment, and hopelessness.

On the other:

I am sweet, kind, gentle, loving, affectionate, open, honest, giving, generous, compassionate, and magic when it comes to romance!  Yes, I accept it as true about the romance stuff.  I totally base it directly on the first-hand comments of satisfied customers.   8*)

On my third hand (ya, strange, I know):

I am a very serious person, and contemplate the deeper aspects of God and life. I have little time or patience for silliness or partying. I am very sensual in bed. My greatest joy is to be passionately, sensually, tenderly loving and sexual with a woman I care deeply about. This is when the sacred experience of two becoming one can be experienced first hand, the most magical act through which humans can get a glimpse of the future “conscious” union between God and human. This is the great “promise” that the rainbow signifies, that ultimate conscious reunion of humanity and their God. This is the original promise given to Noah in the Bible.

Who I am really deep inside is related to my sun sign, Virgo, but how I express that is related to my rising sign, or ascendant, Scorpio.

I am the “Hermit” (Tarot card related to Virgo), which carries with it a very serious responsibility, to give a helping hand to those who are less far along the path of enlightenment. I take this responsibility seriously. My external facade seems sometimes rough or gruff, but at the same time, in such a way as to be humorous, such that people readily understand the truly loving person behind the grouchy exterior. The wise and strict headmaster, who everyone knows is really a teddy bear inside, who loves them dearly.

This is exactly why we so love the great wizard characters in “Harry Potter”, and “The Lord of the Rings”. That’s very much like how I am. The great acts of wizards, their magic, relies on the transformative power of “Death” (Tarot card related to Scorpio). I express my responsibility to others through the power of transformation. What better tool of transformation than the power to gently lead or teach others a different and better way to be and live? This is my magic according to Astrology and Tarot which are also part of who I am.

Now, on the thinking process side of my mind:

I have found that I think much more slowly than most people. This is definitely true in conversation mode for me. Most people seem to have a constant stream of trivial crap perpetually ready and waiting to spew forth from their mouths. I, OTOH (On The Other Hand), have an impossible time trying to break into a conversation which never seems to have a break. While others are busy talking, I am formulating a thought I would like to share about something important to me, or related to the conversation. Many times, I never get to share that thought, and the moment is over, the conversation moves onward….without me. After years of frustration, I just stopped trying to formulate ideas, or even trying to attempt to join a conversation. I have a new theory for why I think the way I do.

I have been wondering if I might be slightly autistic. I don’t know if this is even possible. I have always been a daydreamer, especially when bored with whatever is going on (which is a lot of the time), which at one point was diagnosed as ADD (of the inattentive variety, no hyperactivity here!).

I am the type of person who boils everything down into its essence, and summarizes and conceptualizes subjects, so I tend to be more concise in my writing rather than verbose. That is part of what makes my mind different from most. I have observed that most people remember a whole lot of details, like what they ate for breakfast the previous day, or the make, model, and purchase date of their first car. I promptly forget details almost the minute I am finished with them, and only remember that I DID eat breakfast, because that is the important essence of what I need to remember. As far as I am concerned, what is already in my stomach is useless trivia. What is done, is done. I am the worst person on the planet at any kind of trivia or guessing game, even charades! The answers just are non-existent in my brain. I absolutely hated history, especially filling my brain with useless names and dates. Even when we know the past, we still end up repeating all the mistakes anyway, constantly, so why pretend that we learn anything from other’s past mistakes in the first place? Every one of us is insistent on learning everything the hard way – just look at how well children listen to their parents! Hehe (how well did YOU listen to your parents, huh!?).

I make a good generalist because I can remember the important highlights and summaries of lots of different subjects; I am wildly (and widely) eclectic. The specialist, OTOH, remembers large amounts of details about a more limited field of interest. I can see the need for both types, but in my own experience, I have run across so many more people who love the details, and can remember events, places, names, TV stars, movies, music groups, the individual members of those groups, their birthdays…..the list goes on and on. These details are all the things my mind does NOT have in it. I did not memorize the quadratic equation in grade school, instead, I remembered the theory behind it, and could re-derive the equation from “a” squared, plus “b” squared equals “c” squared, which was much easier to remember. I actually did the derivation during more than one test. I was really proud that I could do that. Most other people would be like, “why don’t you just memorize the fucking equation?”. That is just the way my mind works, on the summary and essence of what is really important. Weird, I know. I am wondering if there are any others out there who have experienced the same phenomenon? The important characteristic it gives me is that I think long and hard on things, even though it makes my mind appear slower to others, especially in conversations. I think slowly, but well, and thoroughly. I pay attention to details as I need to, and dump the details when I am through with them, have written them down, or have used them in whatever project or idea I am contemplating.

Like it or not, this is all ME. Thank you for reading (if you managed to get this far)! Now that I have written this, and backed it up, I can promptly forget all about it, except for the fact that I wrote an involved post regarding my character and thinking processes, which I can always consult if I ever want to remember the details of this self-analysis.  8^)