Tag Archives: funny

My Dire-y 06/16/2015, For Cat People

As I approach the contraband laying on the floor in front of my favorite couch, I glance over at my kitties.  The guilty one is slowly slinking away with tail towards the floor.  Without a single word, I have found the guilty party.  I, of course, already knew this.  As cat owners, we all know who is guilty of what.  We know their personalities, their habits, their likes, and dislikes.  I know which cat (Gypsy) gets in the trash at night, and which one puts her toys in the water bowl (Gypsy), and who sneaks into the window curtains at night while I am asleep (both, but more Holly, and I can tell by which vertical blinds are pushed aside – they each have a particular spot), and which lady shits outside the box in protest (Holly; Gypsy actually goes behind Holly, and finishes the job of excrement coverage that Holly only gave paw-service to).  Yes, as cat people, we know who does what.

My downstairs trash can has (“Incorrect verb form after modal”, Fuck You, Grammar Nazi!) a rectangular piece of heavy cardboard, molded into a kind of garden planter shape.  It was part of the packing material from some computer equipment package or another……..probably.  It is exactly the proper size, when fitted upside-down inside the trash can, to snuggly fit inside, and bar access to the mostly paper and plastic trash hiding underneath.  Cats, being the resourceful and sneaky little bastards they are,  and Gypsy, an excellent example of the type, find such things to be a challenge to be overcome, rather than a “KEEP PAWS OUT!” sign.  Today it was a piece of cellophane, you know, the kind you pull off the outside of a new CD or DVD to get to the goods inside.  Cats just love this stuff.  The noise it makes while they pounce and chew only adds to their kitty-pleasure as they attack and destroy their hated foe.  To get at this little “toy”, I found that Gypsy had totally turned the blocking-block of cardboard upside-down, still resting inside the trash can.  I suppose she thought to hide the deed by not overturning the can, and by not digging the block completely out of the can.  But she failed to hide the plastic itself which was the real giveaway.

Yes, cats are much smarter and more resourceful than given credit for in the public eye.  I had taken to hiding the paper bag of cat food in the closet so that the little critters would not tear into the bag and spill cat food all over creation (my closet floor).  Now this closet, has the type of doors which fold onto themselves accordion style, and to the side when pulled from the center.  You know the type.  Thankfully one day, I spied Gypsy (yes, the naughtiest of the two) carefully reach her little white paw easily beneath the center of said door, and proceed to pull outward, opening the door.  Arrrgh, next I had to add a heavy weight in front of the center of the door, to keep them (you know who “them” are) from opening the door to the fascinating closet in which resides the desirable bag of cat food.

I have one of those plastic tubs, the kind you can get a gallon of ice cream in, from the grocery.  They are perfect for keeping dry cat food fresh, with a tight-fitting lid…air tight.  One morning I arose to an aborted attempt to get at the cat food.  somehow they had managed to get the lid off, and push the container off the counter and onto the floor.  Now, it wasn’t quite the mess you would expect.  Somehow, God only knows, the tub ended up upside-down on the kitchen floor, on an area rug in front of the sink.  All of the dry cat food was still inside the container, and resting on the rug, with not a single crumb outside the tub (or maybe they ate all the ones that were).  BUT…………………………………..this was not their last attempt.

I keep the tub towards the back of the counter, kinda in a corner.  One day, they managed to pull the tub out from the counter.  Then, they very carefully extracted the lid, and very neatly laid it upside-down on the counter behind the tub.

I am sure they had a feast that night!

Damn nosy-naughty-obstinate-stubborn-smartass-resourceful-stomach-driven-cute-little-furballs, full of headaches, fun, surprises, and even grudging shows of affection.  They manage to show just the right amount of love and innocence needed, to keep you from being mad at them for more than a millisecond.  Don’t try to tell me cats are not smart!  They know exactly how to emotionally manipulate their “human’s” to get exactly what they want (which, not surprisingly, is mostly always FOOD).

I growl and complain,

but love them just the same.

They know exactly when to crawl onto your lap, purr, and knead your leg (painfully), while manipulating and seducing you into scratching behind their ears, and with half-closed eyes, give a purrrrfect impression of a little companion who loves, adores, and desperately needs your love, affection, and attention – mostly in the kitchen.

No, don’t tell me cats are not freakin’ smart!

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I Wish I Could Draw

I am just in a freakin’ weird mood today. It all started with a simple thought, “I wish I could draw”. Now before y’all (break out a little Ohio hillbilly here) get excited and try to talk me into believing that anyone can draw, let me tell you something. I think it might have something to do with the MMN (Multifocal Motor Neuropathy) I have, but even as a young teenager at church camp, girls standing next to me were asking why I was shaking. A the time, of course, I had my arms around the waists of two lovely girls – one on each side (you know, boy-girl-boy-girl…). Hey, it was a liberal church camp in the early 70’s and peace, love, and flower children still had a place in society. But anyway, seriously, I cannot draw a simple circle that looks anything like a circle. Now, if I had been trying to draw a lopsided egg with acne, it might have worked. I can’t draw a straight line without curves, bumps, and little jerky things all over it. I just don’t have any steadiness at all in my muscles. NO, it is not a matter of seeing what I want to draw, I can see it fine, hitting the mark is the problem. After all these years, I STILL cannot color within the lines. Thank God for paint programs with bucket-fill.

Well, this led to the next thought of “what would you do if you could draw?”. This is where it gets weird.

I would draw a picture of a cat (bring cats into the mix and you always have a winner) spread-eagle on the glass of a copy machine, and call it…………”catscan”.

How about a cat sitting in the business end of a drawn slingshot…………….”catapult”.

One we have all seen numerous times before, a scene having similarities to a room hit by a tornado, with a couple of cats lookin’ all “What, I didn’t see nothin'” like the sneaky little bastards thought you would miss the double negative there. Of course, what else could it be but……………”catastrophe”.

WARNING: Those troubled by violent graphic images should just skip this one. A mangled up and bloody mess of a cat along the side of the road………..”category”.

Stop me anytime, I could keep doing this all day…

A cat in motion on its hind legs…………”catwalk”.

A cat at a desk in spectacles, writing in a ledger………….”catalog”.

Some words need no picture, like “catnap”, “catfight”, “caterwaul”, “catnip”, “cattiness”….we ALL know why THEY start with “cat”.

A circle of cats surrounding a tall slender stone monument, a spiritual symbol of feline “catechism”…………..”caterpillar”.

A cat’s claws firmly entrenched in a woman’s long flowing hair, slowly sliding towards the ground, as gravity exerts its inevitable force,………..”catacomb”.

OK, enough, enough, my head is about to explosively catabolize, resulting in a personal cataclysm, or send me running for Catatmandu (cat spelling of Katmandu) for some seriously needed   R & R.

So, that is why I wish I could draw.

And occasionally they are awake at the same time...
And occasionally they are awake at the same time…

Sunday Funnies… {National Doughnut Day}

Damn, I am absolutely agonizing over missing this!!!
Marked on Google calendar for next year!!

RobinLK.com

A well known (by some) annual event took place Friday…. did you participate? Do you know what it was? Don’t worry if you didn’t know, but here’s a heads-up for next year:  The first Friday in June is known as National Donut Day in the United States.  Which brings us to another idea to consider… Is it doughnut or donut?  This week’s Sunday Funnies share a little humor and a little history to help put a smile on your face. Here goes….

Seems ‘doughnut’ is the original term, but by the late 20th century, it had morphed into ‘donut’ – due in large part, the story goes, to the growth of Dunkin’ Donuts. Curious? You can read more [here].  Whichever way you spell it, hope you enjoyed a sweet treat this week. If not, mark your calendar for next June… go ahead, we’ll wait for you.

donut cartoon Death by a Bite… Oh, no! Pete, they got to you!!

Black and white photo of women baking dougnuts, circa 1940s What’s the history…

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Huh, Well Whaddya Know

This is all brand new to me. As just an ordinary (more or less) person, with no special training in writing or communications, I have been at this now for about 2 months or so. My whole goal was strictly personal, simply to use it as a tool to order my thoughts more clearly, as a result of forcing myself to write them down, and also as a form of therapy. I sorta write the way I talk, and I am not especially worried about correct usage or grammar. In fact I get to swearing at the blasted machine when it highlights all these areas where I need a comma, or more often, when I choose to use one, and it says it is unnecessary, or even incorrect. Ya know, I’m gonna put the blasted commas wherever I damn well please, thank you, and I really don’t care greatly if it is technically correct or not! I would say I don’t give a shit, especially since I am not doing this for popularity, or for money, but honestly, that would be a little too harsh. The matter really is that underneath it all, I really AM somewhat interested in writing something that people will want to read, and I do care that it mostly be (incorrect verb form with personal pronoun) in proper form. I get annoyed myself at people who make common grammatical mistakes, and make common mistakes in word choice. I did get mostly “A”s in high school and college English after all. By using the simple, and sometimes frustrating spell checkers and auto-correction tools, one has no excuse for tons of silly mistakes.  The freakin’ tools are free, for God’s sake, take a second to use them! (this is aimed only at those who don’t, and whose conversations are riddled with mistakes, many of which are mostly unreadable.  Don’t accuse me of targetting YOUR specific writing unless, of course, the shoe fits, or the foo shits, either one).

Everyone thinks their life is boring, or at least uninteresting to anyone else. I am like that too, but I learned something from reading all these blogs that are simply accounts of the ordinary daily occurrences of typical human beings. I found that as long as they are well written, these posts are not nearly as boring or uninteresting as their writers seem to think they are. After about two months of this, I have collected about 60 followers. Now maybe that is peanuts to what a pro would expect, or someone with a large ego, but I never expected anyone, really, to be interested in the daily happenings of my boring life, or the stream-of-consciousness ramblings of my mind, or even the thought-out, serious spiritual posts I have been doing. Feedback has been quite surprising, even shocking. Now eloquent is NOT a word “I” would use to describe any of my writing, but I have been told exactly that, by more than one person (and NOT family, who are at least biased, and possibly obligated to say good things). I have been told that I am funny.  Now, I will agree that sometimes I can be slightly humorous, but not ROTFLMAO funny. Also people have commented that I am either intellectual, or insightful.  Again, I would slightly agree that my serious posts are somewhat intellectual, especially the spiritual ones. The whole point of this paragraph is that, the seemingly ordinary and boring occurrences of our lives, are actually much more interesting to others than we realize (as long as they are at least somewhat well written). Also, that evidently I am a lot more interesting, funny, and insightful than I ever would have given myself credit for being. One conclusion that can be postulated is that blogging CAN be an effective way to bolster your self-esteem, and combat loneliness and depression.

One of my close friends, who I love, told me that blogging can be a great way to meet people, and as a result, actually form romantic relationships with them.  One thing I suffer terribly with, (improper comma between subject and verb) is loneliness.  I have been very lonely, for a very long time, not to mention the state of my sex life!  I never(incorrect placement of negative adverb, well fuck me!) would have thought of blogging as a dating tool, but my friend insisted that it can be done, after all, I met HER that way! (insert snide smiley….Oops, emoji, here).  So ladies, feel free to contact me (even if it isn’t for a date), and DO comment on my posts.  Guys, you are welcome to contact me or comment on my posts, but we will not be dating (that’s just me).

I certainly never set out to collect any certain type of follower.  If anything, I was just curious if anybody would read my crap.  I have, however, collected a number of people who suffer from bipolar disorder, which I understand, and have experience with as a social worker in a group home setting.  This was in the past, but not that long ago, and I worked at it for 6 years.  To those followers I want to say…if you think your life is something that nobody would be interested in reading about…the normal daily events of a person with bipolar disorder, are anything BUT boring or uninteresting.  In some cases, those events can be incredibly entertaining, and informative, to the reader (although a tough struggle to live through).  Never think that your courage in bringing your private lives to the public will remain unnoticed and/or unappreciated, or that the events of your lives have even the slightest chance of boring your audience!  Keep up the illuminating and helpful work you are doing.

Huh, well whaddya know, I never would have thought anyone would actually ENJOY reading the stuff I write!  Thank you all for following my blog, (incorrect use of comma) and for giving me so much unexpected and surprising (to me) feedback.  Peace, Love, and Happiness to you all!

Let’s Have us a Lewis Carroll Snark Hunt! – for Laurel

See: “The Hunting of the Snark”, Poem by Lewis Carroll

NOTE: many of these words are not mine (at least I would HIGHLY doubt that MY twisted mind was the first to conceive of such words. However, I can see why someone would not want to take credit for inventing said words)! Although, even though I do not have any objective proof, I do believe at least SOME of them to be my originals…or not. That said, I freely give the World complete rights to use any of them, at any time, for any crazy, stupid reason, whatsoever (even the Ministry of Silly Walks), completely royalty free (with exception, of course, of any which have already been copyrighted, of which I am not aware, except for “snark” attributable to the poem mentioned above). Please note all the legal fine print, and read very carefully, embedded in the period at the end of this sentence.

PLEASE feel free to comment, add more words to the repertoire, or generally be snarky. Oh, and don’t forget to like this post, if it tickled your funny bone…or not…

The purpose of this snark hunt is to answer the age-old question:
Which word is now the most versatile in the English (well, American) language, “shit” or “snark”?

All due respect, and honor, to the late George Carlin.

Some aspects of the new Snarkdom:

Descriptive words (or nouns, adjectives, adverbs, participles…actually, any parts of speech):

snarky, snarkily, snarkish, snarkiness, ubersnark,
snarkor, snarker, snarkette, snarkess, snarkerino,
snarking (Oh, this could mean lots of things…how the mind spins with possibilities)

Profanity:

bullsnark
snark you!
snarked in the ass, (this is NOT sexist, everyone has an asshole, and many people ARE assholes)
snitch (gives new meaning to the word)
snastard
snark-of-a-bitch
son-of-a-snark
mother snarker

Sayings:

snark on a bun, snark on a stick, just snark it, snark ‘n spin, just snark it up,

snarknificant to the conversation

ambisnarkterous, snarkelicious, snarkological, snarkegory(-ical), snarkology, snarkophobia, adiposnark, snarktainment,
snarkapade, (“Frodo, my boy, I think it’s time for a new”)snarkventure, snarkepreneur, snarktaneous, snarktankerous (this is me fo’ sho),

Snark Monsters (not to be confused with the “Monster of Snark”):

grendesnark, snarkopturus, Tyrannosnark Sex, Raptorsnark, snarkopods,

Animals:

snarkopotamus, elesnark, snarkedary, snarkfish,
snog (no offense to snogging)(relative of both dog and frog, breeching both worlds),
alisnark, snarkodile,
cats (sorry, snarkiness already comes built-in pre-snarkaged, “cat” and “snark” are synonymous)
murfsnark (small and mostly blueish)

sinnful snuggle snark (very dangerous sex toy)

Let’s go to a Medieval snarkall with Count Snark, Sir Snarkalot, Guinsnarkevere, Gwendelsnark, and etc….

Computers and Internet:

snarkigram, eSnark,

Streaming Snarkiness Channels:

Meer-snark, Ustrnark or just Usnark, Streas.nark, Snarkulu, Netsnark, Snarkeo, Snarkcafe, Veetsnark, LiveSnark, SnarkStream, Bambusnark, SnarkNow, SnarkCast, Perrosnark….

Snarky Social Media:

Snarktwit, Facesnark, Snoogle+, YouSnark, Flicksnark, Snarksquare or Foursnark, Snapsnark, Linkedsnark, Snarkerest, Instasnark,

Snarkelicious Dating Sites:

Snarkmatch, Plenty of Snark (POS), OKSnarky (OKS), Snarkindr, Snarkarmony, OurSnark, Zoosnark, Young Russian Snarks,

Snarkish Musical Genres:

bluesnark, snark & roll, popsnark (not to be confused with the breakfast food),
snarktown, snark&B, snarkpera, snarkibilly,

Snarkiful Songs:

A Snarking we will Go,
A Snarking we will Go….

“Snark Me Baby, One More Time” (my fav)

Snarky Places:

Snarkington, Snarkville, Deutschsnark, Snarkfrica, snarkussia, snarkland (also a theme park), Snarkopolis,

Snarky Persuations:

Britsnark, asiansnark, Eurosnark, blacksnark, whitesnark, dark-brownish-suntanned-snark, redsnark, LGBTsnark, Lesbisnark, femminisnark, Pinksnark, (who haven’t I offended yet? Oh, wait…)

Religious Snarkers:

Buddisnark, Snark Yoga, Hindi Snark, Tao Snark, Christi-snark(Christark), Snarklam, Judasnark…

As it is written, “When two or more snarkers are gathered together snarktaneously, in the name of Snark, they share an unexpected, snarkous snarkendipity”, so it is said, so shall it be done!

Now I really need to attend a Snarkaholics Anonymous (Snarkanon) meeting!!!

So, which word wins? to “shit” or to “snark”, that is the question?